went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
