The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
