3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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