i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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