seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one might say we're banned from that church
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
