trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
