Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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