false alarm. still invincible.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
