All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
