I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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