im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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