I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Don't make out with my wife yet
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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