If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
