Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
