Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
