so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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