i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
