I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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