Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
