what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
