I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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