if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
