Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
