I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
