remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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