Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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