it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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