Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
