my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
