I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
