the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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