Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
