dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
