I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
