He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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