My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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