I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
