So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize