Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
