If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just blew my weed a kiss
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
