so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize