I think my fart just growled at me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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