Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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