There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
