Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
