Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
