You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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