Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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