Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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