i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
