I'm so fucking centered right now
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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