I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
