how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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