i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a search helicopter?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
