Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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