Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
