I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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