If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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