Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
