Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
