She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize