wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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