my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
