i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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