i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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