I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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