So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
